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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Dazed Mind

I've often wondered how it is, when I am unable to wonder. Such times are getting rarer. I think it is not just because I am able to 'think straight' more often, but also because I make a conscious effort to work, to overcome the obstacles on my way, to keep on trying, keep on enduring. The results may not be pleasant, but then how different were they earlier ? That thought is what doesn't let me down. I'm not me, this is not me, ...I told my doctor quite a few times, "And what is you? Is your arm you? Or your leg you? Is your stomach or your lungs or your kidney you?". The wholeness of the 'me' truly makes things a tiny bit more probable, even though they might not lift my spirits. Literary debates on such semantics, and philosophical debates on such profound thoughts would never ever reach a conclusion that can ultimately help calm a disturbed mind. For it doesn't need reason to calm it down, even though it is always seeking one. Logic, it seems, doesn't find place amongst the rationale. And along with my technical geekiness, the fact that "Artificial Intelligence can never beat natural stupidity" always makes me laugh :)

Lots of love and hopefully we won't keep you waiting for so long again! 


Friday, November 28, 2008

At a loss...

Someone breaks into your home and destroys all the things which had grown to become part of the familiar, comforting background of your house. Things painstakingly collected by you over the years to make your home look welcoming, things you associated with warmth and happiness. And then, someone uninvited barges in, knowing the value these things hold for you, and systematically destroys them, leaving you with numbness coursing through your body...

My city was ruthlessly broken into. The landmarks forming its history were destroyed. I am still shocked by the helplessness with which we looked at the carnage. I am disgusted by the apathy disguised by false 'resilience'. Coping and reconciliation with terror is still a long distance away. A small part wonders whether the terrorists too lost a precious possession that could only be replaced by human blood.....

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Quirky reminiscences

Strange, but I have actually been missing the crowded buses and trains, the pollution-filled roads and lack of greenery. The city does not seem like itself with so much of peace and quiet nestled amongst yellow-green foliage and squirrels rustling up the dried leaves strewn besides the trees. There's too much of calm around. My head misses that maddening buzz of the rush hour, of always being on the go. City-life has made me seek my peace in urban noises. Strange, very strange...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Maine Gandhi ko Nahin Mara

With no idea whatsoever about this movie, I sat down with an open mind, with a slight hint that it might be on schizophrenia. The movie stirs you since the beginning, with Anupam Kher and Urmila Matondkar's acting bringing tears to my eyes. 

The movie depicts Anupam Kher as a retired Hindi professor, slowly aging away into a non-specific diagnosis of dementia/pseudo-dementia and alzhiemers. The depiction of the illness is not only accurate, but emotionally touching in its performance. A must watch!!!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

The Bullock Cart

It's one of those days when you feel at peace with yourself and the world. The blissful serenity that had evaded your mind returns, and the cloudiness of anger and despair disappears. As usual, exams are around the corner, and so the anxiety plays peek-a-boo. The coolness of winters, and hordes of mosquitoes biting away to glory doesn't even match up to the regular thick pin blood tests, that have come out normal for once. Or maybe I'm just too happy to simply acknowledge the fact. Why, I have wondered often, does it seem as if treading along gets tougher, but then this bullock cart reminds me that I would rather be the bull and slog my way towards my destination. However, that must not be my destiny, as it would put an end to the greatest I might be able to achieve. Just a mere small stop for rest and replenishment for greater strength and courage. A life's dream come true. Just a tiny ceramic bullock cart it is. Very tiny... :)

Saturday, August 30, 2008

On abusive relationships

Lately I have been giving a lot of ponder to the reasons why some people keep getting into abusive romantic relationships. Its almost like they aren't able to gauge the the emotional tendencies of the other person...

I think that while every relationship has the potential to turn abusive, there might be certain signs that help ascertain whether this potential might be actualized. For one, the power dynamics in abusive relationships are covertly tilted towards one partner over the course of time. Demands made from and restrictions placed on a significant other emanating from feelings of suspicion or low self-esteem but cloaked in the guise of love serve to thwart the independence of the significant other. This in turn leads to emotional stifling and a constant fear related to displeasing the partner. Communication patterns might eventually be spiked by covert hostility, distrust, and lack of respect for the partner. I consider mutual respect as the mark of a healthy relationship, and if that is violated in any manner, then any potential positives of the relationship are beyond my comprehension. This lack of respect might be manifested by dismissing the significant other's opinions, frequent criticism and derision for their actions, and failing to take the other person's opinions into account while making a decision about the relationship, among other things. In fact. these tell-tale signs can sometimes become so glaringly obvious to a neutral observer that you would often wonder why the relationship still continues. Is it merely because the two people have become so used to this abusive pattern so that they don't realize it for themselves and break out of it? Or might it be possible that there is awareness of things gone awry, but adjusting to an alternative way of being seems tedious and unreal?

Any relationship ideally adds more dimensions to a person's life. But this addition would be possible only if there already exists a sufficiently strong base of self-assurance. To wish for another person to weave the magic wand and fill the emotional voids you possess could well turn out to be a wish gone horribly wrong. For both of you.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Quality Vs. Quantity ?

The last post by SoaringHeights reminded me of how frail our mental health system is, not only in terms of the type of rehabilitation used, but also in the lack of any evidence of mental health system.

Over the years I've been blogging on mental health, I've come across many individuals who seek help (or sometimes I force them to). A couple of years back, I had a certain individual contact me with his suicidal feelings. I talked him into visiting a psychiatrist. There was none available near the place he stayed, and no helping hand to take him there. His self-evident psychosis made it all the more difficult for me to persuade him. We exchanged quite a few mails on this issue. We talked about other issues as well, about his ongoing studies. I sent him a couple of mails later, with no reply...

Another individual, who just tends to leave abusive messages on every blog I ever wrote on or still write, seriously needs psychiatric help for his, again, self-evident psychosis. I moderate all posts to maintain a healthy blog for all. I have made the sincerest efforts to push him for help. Not knowing his whereabouts, there's not much I can do. Against all my hopes, I do hope he doesn't end up stopping sending these comments...

With less than 4,000 mental health workers in India, mainly concentrated in the 5 metros, there's no scope for treatment for those just 100kms (<50 miles) outside these metros. The system in India, as I mentioned earlier, is much better in terms of quality but highly lacks in its quantity. And economics has a huge role to play in this. It becomes increasingly difficult for people outside the above-mentioned areas to pay for the consultation fee, leave alone the medication!