Some more merry meds stories

Sorry Puzli, it seems an eternity since I posted....I shall begin responding to your latest post on psychotropic medications, and will move on to the earlier posts later.

Many incidents flitted through my mind when I read the post on medications. Amongst the first was a flashback about a psychiatrist who prescribed psychotropic medication which would, for a temporary period of time, artificially contort the limbs of her psychotic patient. The patient had zero insight into her mental condition. The psychiatrist, in an assuring tone, told the visibly beleaguered relative of that patient, "Don't worry, when she sees that her limbs have contorted, she will have no choice but to get admitted to the hospital. We can then administer to her the antipsychotics along with other medication, and she will become more manageable." With an imperceptible nod of his head, the relative scurried away to fetch the medication that would control his sister who had full-blown psychosis.

Now thats an ingenious method of administering treatment to resistant patients, especially those with nil insight into their condition. And come to think of it, once the patient gets admitted, her symptoms would gradually decrease and she and her family would be in a much better state, won't they? I can sense the dampened horror you might feel with this sort of treatment, it almost harkens you back to the medieval times of brutal techniques used to control mentally ill patients in those enormous mental institutions. I can see human rights being trampled upon merrily. My education base does not include knowledge about psychotropic medications, but I'm hoping that this particular type of treatment that I just mentioned is the last resort used to deal with floridly psychotic patients.

On second thoughts though, can the excuse of 'slow' progress in pharmaceutical research ever be used to justify the adoption of such an inhumane treatment method?

A little about meds

It's been a long long time (when you consider the blog world), and especially long when time presses on issues as critical as the ones we hope to put forward. It's been a long and grueling week for both of us. I was in a depression after a long time (again. This post is now sounding like that silly story about Longy Limby I wrote as a kid!) The depression occured suddenly, and took me down to the pits in a haste to fulfill its certain needs. Hmmm...I've been worse is what it didn't know. Anyways, I'm alive :) in it's literal sense, and that's what matters. There are certain issues I wished Soaringheights could post before I wrote this, a completion of a dialogue from where I left off last, and I hope she does that soon.

My mind as of now is awake, yes, able to comprehend, allowing me to make sense of the written word. However, until two hours ago, the side-effects of Lithium were, to put it sweetly, not what anyone would ever want. I sat down to study, and would start reading a line, and would read it, again, and again, and again, without making sense of it. It was not that I couldn't comprehend the subject. Lithium plays with the short term memory, very short term memory. As I start reading, and I reach the middle of the sentence, I forget what I had read before that, so I start from the beginning. And it's a happy moment to see myself reaching the end of the sentence, only to discover at the end that there's nothing I discovered, again.

Lithium is just one of the medicines used for the treatment of mental illness, but the oldest, first, and only one of the two FDA approved medication for bipolar or manic-depressive disorder (the other being "lamotrigine"). Now, I do not have the knowledge or the understanding of why some people are very adamant of having only FDA approved drugs. There are zillions of non-FDA approved drugs in the market and most of them as much or more effective. One of them known by many brand names has the salt "Oxcarbazepine". I must warn you of any feeling of elation of having found something less "dangerous". All allopathic medicines have side-effects. Aspirin for one has side-effects in the hundreds! Would you stop taking that or any other allopathic medicine. This is one fact that clearly drives people themselves or by their families, off treatment for mental illness in search of an alternative or holistic treatment. I have "participated" in lots of such treatment plans, from plain, old, expensive religious treatments (which my dad is still trying to make me do), to homeopathy, and an almost begun ayurveda treatment. I still ask one question - why would anyone "participate" with or without will in such forms of treatment when the treatment has never been proven scientifically, which would mean repeatedly demonstrable to be effective in controlling the symptoms. Faith, however, in such means of escape is the only answer I percieve. I never had faith. I do not detest those who do. But the only thing that worries me is, how long before you accept a system of healing that truly heals?

Homeopathy has been a miraculous healer in front of my own eyes. My dads nasal polyps were healed without repeated surgery. My repeated sty's as a kid were stopped. Black birthmark patches have disappeared in days before laser surgery appeared. Mouth infections caused by cat allergy have disappeared when the best allopathic doctors in the U.S. couldn't heal. I could go on and on about these wonders I have seen with my own eyes. With a mental illness, however, we start moving backwards. I was put on risperidone for schizophrenia at initial diagnoses, and started with homeopathy immediately. My progress was clearly amazing. My psychiatrist, who was the HOD, hadn't seen such an improvement in such a short time in his entire life. It would be immature to curse or applaud homeopathy. The evidence was not scientific. I would have believed if anti-psychotics were not used. My psychiatrist said it was because of my will power to heal. Faith again, it seems, sends me wondering, about faith. What I really wanted to point to you about homeopathy was, I began taking a course when I was diagnosed with the affective part. Immediately I went manic, uncontrollably. Homeopathy has an alcohol base. The ingredients are not known even by its practictioners to cause a certain effect when it interacts with allopathy. The 2 "-pathy's" are completely different. My psychiatrist immediately told me to discontinue it.

So here I was, square one (hmm....still don't know the etymology of that phrase. Tell me if you know :) Ayurveda was another option. From one of the best doctors, best healers. Ayurvedic medicines have, as I found out, not only from the Internet, but also from dad who is in the pharmaceutical industry, heavy metals. Their rate of harm over time is more than its benefits. Another option was tibetan medicines. Supposed to be very good. But as my sister found out for me, they contain steroids!

There has been no form of medication, alternate to allopathy that seems to heal. However, I do know something that cures depression in 70% of the cases. It helped me a lot. I haven't continued this 'therapy' since my affective part began, I do not know whether it would increase my mania, but then, neither does its founder know. What I am talking about is Sudarshan Kriya. It's the form of yoga [yog] developed by Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. It's been researched for its effectiveness in the largest hospital of Asia (AIIMS). The global organization under him is called 'Art of Living'.

So what I really wanted to say was :) oxcarbazepine has helped me and others I know :)

Confronting Confrontations

So there she was, soaring heights, asking people about mental illness and how they felt. Very bold, very apt, very natural. So I thought, what have I experienced through my ill years, trying to unhide through my hiding? And here I am, asking through soaring heights mind what I wished I could have asked before I came out of that closet none dare enter. Well, if I wished I should have asked before I came out, I would have done exactly that.

>>..what is the average Joe's (if such a person exists, that is) conception of mental illness?
...forget the average Joe, what is YOUR idea of mental illness?

>>>Are you alright? Jesus! OK, she is crazy. Oh ok, so you are a mental health professional. (another psycho...hehe)

>>When would you consider a person to be mentally ill? Think in terms of behaviours or thoughts displayed by a mentally ill person and use these to construct an image of such a person.

>>>Well, ummm, they just keep on talking to themselves, hitting people, acting plain weird.

>>....so now that you have an image of a mentally ill person, do you think you will be likely to use it if you were to deal with a mentally ill person?

>>>yeah, I would walk far far away from that person, and hit him if he were to hit me. He dare not do that to me!

>>.....now, can you try imagining your face in place of the image you constructed, with those thoughts running through your head, and those behaviours being your behaviours, and you being mentally ill.

>>>(She's crazy for sure! Not me.) No Answer

>>How easy or difficult was it for you to construct this image?
How easy was it for you to slip from a detached construction to being personally involved with mental illness?
What are the thoughts and behaviours you attributed to the person with the mental illness?
Did you make her/his mind to be a confused maze without many exit points?
Did you regard the symptoms as volatile, uncontrollable (florid symptoms, as the medical professionals say)?
Did you gloss over the image?

>>>Definitely No Answer...(Incomprehensible language)

This is what I've experienced. However, I remained much detached from such people. Not because they were going against me. But because they were detached from me. (Metallica again..."If you can understand me, then I can understand you...") Igniting anger was hopeless. They can't judge what they don't understand. That is what brings fear, denial.

This was not, however, everything I'd experienced. I've experienced much love, because of which I'm writing here. The answer I feel, leads on to the question. If you ask the right question, you will get the right answer, and so on... So here I was, standing confused, scared (a bit), people now knew about 'me'. Labelled I was. In audible words, yes. Certain talks going on in hushed tones. Things I shouldn't hear. I didn't even care to. Five years down the line. Most of my college mates knew I had some problem. The closest resolved their personal problems to support the me whom they loved. And the rest of them got to know from me later. Literally spilling their neat Smirnoff out as I recounted the days I never had dreamt I would have, days I wish I never relive. And now I've the support of people, a number that I cannot count and neither wish too for an attempt that would be futile towards plain irrationality.

All the above people in denial are not only those far far away from the mental health community. They are the ones who have direct access to and living amongst the world's most educated nations in terms of mental health. They are the ones, shockingly, also directly imparting mental health care. Yes. I actually imply psychiatrists and psychologists. This fact, is a fact yes, because I've seen it. These mental health professionals look down upon the mentally ill. Fortunately, I never had one as a personal mentor. There are, also, medical doctors who are supposed to give, for the sake of humanity, equal if not better treatment to the mentally ill. The reverse is true.

Nothing in this world, nothing, can ever replace the care of the mentally ill, by anything other than love. There are issues that emerge with this care, issues that could anger at the least, shatter hope at the worst, in the caring individuals. It happens. I've seen it happen. The question, however, still remains...The future depends upon the answer you are seeking.

Confrontations

Some thoughts I have been ruminating about while waiting for my glimpse of inspiration for this post....

..what is the average Joe's (if such a person exists, that is) conception of mental illness?
...forget the average Joe, what is YOUR idea of mental illness? When would you consider a person to be mentally ill? Think in terms of behaviours or thoughts displayed by a mentally ill person and use these to construct an image of such a person.
....so now that you have an image of a mentally ill person, do you think you will be likely to use it if you were to deal with a mentally ill person?
.....now, can you try imagining your face in place of the image you constructed, with those thoughts running through your head, and those behaviours being your behaviours, and you being mentally ill?

How easy or difficult was it for you to construct this image?
How easy was it for you to slip from a detached construction to being personally involved with mental illness?
What are the thoughts and behaviours you attributed to the person with the mental illness?
Did you make her/his mind to be a confused maze without many exit points?
Did you regard the symptoms as volatile, uncontrollable (florid symptoms, as the medical professionals say)?
Did you gloss over the image?

Mental illness encompasses a diaspora of states of the human mind. It is OK if you attributed crazy, illogical behaviour to your prototype of the mentally ill person. It is OK because the mental states of extreme suspicion, paranoia, weird sensations and perceptions, rigidity, etc. are too alien to contemplate. But the human brain also produces many other mental states. We all have, at some point, experienced varying intensities of depression, elation, anxiety, fears, ambivalence, and what-name-you. So what accounts for the hesitation in conceptualizing these emotions to also be capable of leading to mental illnesses?
What lies at the core of your view of the distinction between normal and abnormal behaviour?

Musings galore.....

Foraging through Puzli's eloquently quoted numbers , my mouth twirls northward to finally show my long-suppressed grin. A grin for the witty numbers eventually changes into a sombre smile as I read through the speed of his thoughts and the twists of his words. Through all the meanderings, the pejorative labels of mental illness, the broken paths, the nonchalance clashing with a matter-of-fact attitude that is sometimes apparent in his written word, I still see Puzli as someone who's so much more than a helpless product of something that was (and still largely is) beyond his control. Maybe that is because I know him intimately. Or maybe that is the case with anyone else who has experienced mental illness. I don't know. But would it hurt to venture a hope that each person, so affected, is capable of harnessing that one ray of light and converting it into eternal sunshine?

Our blog is about the nuances and subtleties of mental illness. As experienced by a person diagnosed with Schizoaffective and Obsessive Compulsive Disorders, and as experienced 2nd-hand by another person who happens to be a mental health professional. We hope to give a unique perspective to the experience of mental illness and the numerous issues connected with it. We hope to discuss things that are gently swept beneath the carpet, we hope to discuss issues that are pertinent to you as consumers of mental health services. We hope to break the hierarchy between the mental health professional and the patient. But above all, we hope to start a journey of the variegated human spirit through its trials and tribulations, and at the end of it, we hope to celebrate its indomitable nature. Hop on, it's gonna be an interesting ride!

A new Hope (for everyone)

8 days before a year of starting this blog. 8 days before a year with a cold and possible fever beginning again. 1 day more than when my best college pal leaves for Australia. More than a month before I wrote my last post on 'State of Mind' a year ago. Less than 2 months before I posted on this blog a year ago. 13 and 8, the eternal combination of my love, my last post on 'State of Mind', numbers reflecting a new life, numbers forging a new life. Numerology it seems, can be formed by one's own will. After all, I medically, also have OCD.

A new beginning, a change, I wrote. But isn't that a continuous process? After all, as the same best pal above repeatedly summarized, even change is not constant. So now I stand, a bit further from the edge, on the safer side I mean, but to some it might be confusing as to which is the brighter one. My last quote on my tripod blog (long ago) by Lao Tzu said this - "Turning back is how the Way moves and weakness is the method it employs." True it seems to me all the way through. And I am now thinking while listening to Joe Satriani, what a difficult time I might be giving to 'soaringheights' for replying to this meandering post of mine. Aah, then I think, hers is the ability to draw, reason, and conclude. Mine is to throw it, not only at her, but to everybody.

A little introduction I wish to give on starting this new blog, well rather giving it some momentum with changes, lots of them, over careful thinking. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia (if you haven't already read through the 2 links in the descriptive line under the blog title). That was 5 years ago. Another 5 years after my hallucinations began. Auditory. An early and fast symptomatic increase I used to think, till recently. (I would like my contributor here to clarify that to you, as she did to me.) Before I proceed, I must introduce her. She has done her Masters in Clinical Psychology, currently working in 2 hospitals on projects of dementia, epilepsy, and neuro-psychological testing. She is also the visiting professor in a university, with the task at hand of improving the syllabi periodically. A very able mental health professional in my opinion, and wonderful as a person. Hmmm...where was I now...

Ahh yes! So then I was diagnosed. I was almost 19. So when I got the symptoms, I was 14. Now it isn't easy, this illness I must say. No ma'am, not easy. It's a long long dark, cold, scary road. Not even a road for me, rather the jungles of tam quam. Yes, that was it. Bourne. You see, I started believing that I was Jason Bourne, the fictional character created by that great author made me stand up on that pedestal nobody should know about. Robert Ludlum. Not a single author who writes thrillers is better. But then I stopped reading thrillers after this incident.

Voices berating you, you are the one out to save the world, no one knows. No one should. "They are trying to get you down." "No not them." "Yes, don't you know." "Goddammit stopit. Shit. Fuck you!!!" "Get outta here." "No not you." "Please please someone help me." "Face it face it. Can't you see it. Can't you see what they are doing. Don't you know where they are taking you. Get outta here fast. Open the door. they will be sleeping. Make no noise. There can be no mistakes. Get outta here. Sleep. Get some sleep. 2 hours. Sleep is a weapon..."

Strange, the way the mind can create, this...

How much time does it take for someone to have a dialogue with you like the one above? In such a stressful condition, not more than a minute? Time is against you. Yes it is. Now how about extrapolating this one minute to 22 hours? Yes. I slept only for 2 hours daily. 2 years. Not talking to anyone. No one, but myself. Or him! People would die taking just that physical stress. This was a lot more than just that. Taking pot as I used to call it then, but prefer calling it grass now, twice only through the whole time. Charsi, as Indians would say. It helped me live once when I was planning to kill myself. Hmm...I thought you knew I tried that too. I hope to give you a clearer picture as my friend and I continue writing. That is the whole purpose. To give an insight from the perspective from an ill person and a mental health professional. There are things that both learn from each other. About the illness, its ways, about life, about struggle, about hope, about will, about the mysterious human mind. Together, we plan to give a combined perspective. Information to help you understand why your loved one is acting the way he/she is, and information that no mental health professional has the time or the motive to tell you.