Monday, April 28, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Another set of exams over. A lot of stress and extreme, prolonged depression, and being affected to the extent of not brushing my teeth, leave aside the non-existent bathing, had made me just lie down on the bed the whole day, and it has been only the constant pushing and effort on SoaringHeights part that I have been able to do well in the exams.
What is it that makes me depressed? My friend has been asking me that, and always got a reply from me that it's the chemicals in the brain. He refuses to believe. He has been practicing Nichiren Daishonin's buddhism, the Lotus Sutra, for some time, in which I had also been introduced some years ago. He came yesterday to talk about it. He talked about the basis of buddhism, Karma, how life is all about cause and effect, pure consequence. I listened patiently, albeit in slight amusement, but with respect for his views. He explained how we bring our baggage of negative karmas or bad deeds with us, and how we have to redeem them to get rid of them. This, he explained, cannot be done by trying to run away from it. You cannot get "rid" of problems by choosing 'flight' all the time. You have to choose 'fight'. However may you fare, it will be tough and may not be what you really long for, but the practice of buddhism will help make this process simpler for you. He talked about how there are negative forces that prevent you from performing well. This may be fear, anxiety, anger, greed....You have to work all the time to make sure that you keep on gaining positive deeds, as life is a process, and hence dynamic. It keeps on changing, your interactions with people and objects will keep on changing. You have to keep on making sure you don't accumulate negative karma! I shared with my friend that I do get anxious as I feel I cannot face my things in life, and I keep running away, postponing studying for exams, till it comes back with increased intensity. This fear holds me back. That is the negative force that holds me back. As my dad says, "Everybody has to live, eat and drink, it's up to you how tough you make it on yourself".
SoaringHeights has had a problem of putting off discussing things out as it seems futile to do so. Things accumulate, ending with her getting upset, angry, and irritated on others. I told her how she should clarify things with her peers as they come. If something goes wrong later, if someone accuses her, if someone talks rudely with her, she would know that she tried her best, she would feel bad but wouldn't lose her temper since she knows she had given it her best.
I'd been pretty rude with SoaringHeights. I told her that I feel I can't talk to people as they would be angry with me! It wouldn't seem surprising when people couldn't comprehend my accusing paranoid delusions. But now I'm fine. Also, I feel that people know what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, so I don't need to talk. That's a remnant from my paranoid and delusional past, of knowing that people can understand my actions and reactions. They know what I'm thinking as they can look in my mind. I've to therefore, protect myself from my enemies, be careful to speak around people. Interesting, that it silently remains after such a long time...